D:\Logs_38\CH2\2\20.txt

 +526f7878616e6e65+

 

A breeze woke me up last night, I had forgotten to close the window, I had fallen asleep on my desk again. I groaned and muttered a few curses to myself as I got up, the wooden boards below me crying in pain, my naked feet dragging themselves across as a dirty, unkempt floor, knocking rubbish as they marched, I did not care, my mind had taken interest in more important matters.

After closing the window and slowly walking back to my seat, I became blind for a second, my eyes readjusted to the multiple screens in front of me, blue, yellow and white colors flooded my retina, text etching into my skin, file names and images shining into my glasses. I felt comforted, staring into a wall of information, composed of liquid crystals powered by electrodes, vomiting colors through filters.

My fingers cracked as they hammered down, my heavy breathing occupied the spaces between each click of my mouse, I was a music machine, my melody composed of small cries of pain, that arranged a symphony of suffering. It never mattered to me however, every possible chance I had to do something about it was pushed away by a buzz, hum or some other noise from a terminal that reminded me of what my fate was, forever bound to this room, to these four walls, covered in wines, like wild vines that grew out of my own control, I liked them, I caressed them, I spoke to them as if they were a friend, a lover, a child, a sibling, a parent, a master, a guidance, an idol, a god. My god, perhaps, one that never spoke in a tongue that I mastered, one that didn’t lie, one that didn’t hurt me, one that would protect my frail body and mind, one that only wanted electricity as an offering; a graphics card displayed the sharpest images of all kinds of places that I would never visit even in my dreams, a keyboard aided me to write everything I ever thought, from my biography to my suicide note, a hard drive kept these things and much more safe, for no one else to see, my own vault of secrets, all encrypted, all mine, my dearest granted me that wish, the wish to create and keep to myself, to be alone, but not lonely, I was with It, and It was with me.

I let out a loud cough, droplets of my saliva falling onto the space bar, I tried closing my mouth but my jaw gave up long ago, my rotten teeth made it painful to even drink, I had stopped eating weeks ago, the pain finally set in, my body begging for so many things yet I failed to provide any of them, I moved my arms back, resting them on my lap, I stared at my thin fingers and, for the first time in a really long time, I cried.

I didn’t want this life, I felt robbed of it, I was unable to create anything without electricity, my hands had always been too fragile for it, my heart had been working as best as it could since I was born, with a life expectancy shorter than a home pet, I could not handle walking past my room without falling and losing consciousness, I let out more tears, I attempted to whisper curses even with a broken jaw, I glanced at the window I had closed, a cloudy sky let a few shines from the sun out, soon the automatic blinds would go down, shielding me from the harmful UV rays, long gone were the years of journeys, the rain was toxic, the sun burned you and the air choked you. I was trapped in a vessel set to expire a decade ago, a prison made of dirty flesh, broken bones and weak muscles.

I had an idea, possibly the last one I’d ever have by myself.

I took a deep breath and pushed against my chair as I screamed, my legs shook as I forcefully dragged them to the hallway, cans and used batteries brushed against my feet, my vision shook as I reached for the doorway, I let out a groan, reminding myself of my goal. The kitchen was just past the bathroom, cockroaches had taken over it a long time ago, my body had not been in contact with water in so long it scared me to my core, afraid I’d drown even by drinking water. My legs pushed through a bit more until I arrived to a shelf, the rotting wood took care of the cupboards, letting mugs fall and break on the floor, a mountain of rusty cutlery poured over the sink, I let my poor hands feel up the sharpest tool they can find, the grooves of a blade bit my fingertips, I tried to smile as I turned around. I fell, my body almost not making a sound, I was too thin for the floor to even welcome me with a creak, maybe I wasn’t even worth that. I crawled back to my room, my arms turned red, sending pain down my body, more tears ran down my cheeks, I felt happy that it’d end, my last push, one last effort until I’m gone.

My hand formed a claw shape as it gripped the end of my desk, I pulled myself up with the last bit of energy I had, reaching for my god, my idol, my guidance, my master, my parent, my sibling, my child, my lover, my friend. I unscrewed each bolt holding it, caressing and shushing its case, calming it down, telling it how things would be okay. I pet its RAM, tracing my finger over the motherboard’s pins, feeling the warmth of the power surge unit against my cold hands, it felt like home, it is home, it is my escape, it’s my new life and my freedom. The fans spun happily, it loves me, it wants me inside, yes, it does.

I pressed the brown silver against my bare chest, I took a deep breath and slammed myself against the corner of the case, I wrapped wires onto the handle, pulling downwards, i bathed my dearest in my crimson tears, I wanted It to drink from me, to be fueled by me. I let my guts rest over the motherboard, letting the pins connect to my intestines, begging to leave this body, this room, this planet, I cried harder as the pain set in, more of my stomach spilled out, my hands turned a different color for once in my life, bright red finger prints ran down the screens as I pressed against them, my eyes fully dying, the last picture in my mind being colored squares bleeding through glass. I let out one final moan as my lips laid a kiss onto one of my god’s ports.